11/11

Eleventh of Nov, 2010, a day that i shall not forget for the rest of my life.

I still can remembered vividly the moment when i opened my email indicating exam's result. The heart was pounding so fast that the breathing could barely catch up. But when i saw the four letter F word inside the email content, my heart sank. The whole world seemed to stop momentarily for me to digest the information. I rubbed my eyes and looked at it carefully. No error noted. And for the fist time in my life, i stared blank into the space and wonder if this is reality or nightmare.

'You dumb boy, we ain't going to give you a second chance and you better get your ass back for another year here.' I felt like the email is saying that to me.

I am ashamed. I don't know how to face my family. They have been working so hard just to let me get an overseas certificate. Studying medicine privately in foreign land is ain't cheap. With that amount of money, they could have a few more properties in my hometown or travel around the world for a few times. But i let them down. I don't want to tell them, 'mum and dad, you can't retire so soon because i still need your support to continue my education.' Only an irresponsible, inconsiderate, imbecile child will say that. And guess what, i'm actually that child.

Thank goodness, i have been hearing words of comfort from friends and family. Though they kept saying it's nobody fault, i know deep down inside, i'm the one to be blamed. I should have study harder, i should have taken it more seriously, i should have be more enthusiastic, i should have.... But everything is too late now.

Every now and then, this feeling of failure will stab it to my heart as if it will never go away. I'm petrified. My life seems so aimless except to clean up this mess. I hate myself. I hate this life.

The purpose of writing this post, actually is to tell the people that i love, that i'm in a real bad situation. I would be lying if i say i'm perfectly fine. But i can assure y'all i will be alright, eventually. Hopefully time will be a good healing factor. Gotta need some time to compose myself and fight again.